Karma
As a 21 year old, I would wistfully stare at outside pics, restaurant photos, yearn to go out, dress up, visit boisterous bustling bars, bowling alleys, malls, skate parks (well we had only one here in Mumbai) I would yearn to venture out of my room because I’ve been bed ridden since 2016... I’d keep staring out of the window hoping one day things would change, what did I know, it’s prerequisite for your appearance to change first otherwise nothing would get better, it‘ll only get worse! I decided to stay in exile, in the niches and corners of humanity; my caged, claustrophobic, isolated existence kept hiding away in the dark, disconnected from the outside world, lurching & evading proper eye contact, dodging reflective surfaces, mirrors, light, anything that would reveal me to me... because of my changing looks as in all the toll his heartbreaks took on body, I got fibromyalgia which is triggered by emotional trauma... it’s a chronic pain condition, I was physically abused and thrashed several times even after that and no one fucking cared, none of them (those whom I’ve known since years) bothered to ask me how I was/am doing... That guy also continued ostracising and humiliating me. Even after all the pain and throes I was looking pretty and beautiful until last year but then eventually his hate consumed me.
No one ever liked or commented my photos (I would never get a single like) because I never had any friends (envy, jealousy, not conniving -so an easy prey) and the only person who did, who religiously liked my pics on a dating app started humiliating & shunning me for no reason, his mother said he liked them because he is a celebrity and he wanted to look “down to earth.” Maybe that’s why he asked me for my BB pin too... and he couldn’t take that “No” too well. He then started liking the photos but misbehaving. There’s more to the story which I’ve already stated in my book available at www.sibylmoonchild.com & here Twitter.com/zsauleh (I’ve documented a few significant details about that 5th March incident.
I have dealt with scathing criticism, I was told I’m so ugly, no one would even rape me & if someone sees me while having their food they’d throw up.
I was callously derided for being bed ridden, I was told that I’m only 30 kgs & I’ll be gone soon, I hardly have any life left, that I don’t have any friends to go out with, all I do is stay in my room, it was appalling when I was mocked for being confined to the bed. I was thrashed several times even after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, they again said “Ek hi phatke mein jaan nikal jaani chahiye!” and I was ruthlessly hit. I couldn’t rest my head on the pillow, I had swelling and bruising in multiple places... I even missed my dentist’s appointment for braces (I decided to get them done inspite of the fact that they’re not easy, it’s a lengthy, arduous procedure which is not advisable in Fibromyalgia due to all the unbearable pain it entails...) I was desperate to look “acceptable” or “normal” to lead a normal life, for people to treat me with equal respect & neutrality. That’s all I ever asked for! But they were all so damn superficial and nit-picky that they only isolated, shunned and ostracised me.
Anyway, NOW EVERYONE MISSES 2015 like me, dont they? They all miss going out, eating out, meeting their friends... I never had any friends inspite of being gregarious and interesting because of superficial people like him! I guess now everyone knows what it’s like to be quarantined, to cave in and rely on internet to socialise and find friends... Now they all wallow in nostalgia, dream of better days, reminisce, miss old times, we have all ended up surviving on hope. I’m not saying I’m happy about it, I hate the fact that most of them who’ve died have never even had the chance to hug their loved ones, for one last time 😢 I pray for their souls & I’m really angry with God for this nature’s fury, his wrath but maybe some of us should learn a lesson. Some of us as in those suffering from chronic incurable conditions like Fibromyalgia, cancer, autoimmune diseases, neurological disorders, etc. have worse symptoms throughout the year. We face lethargy, malaise, a high temperature, excruciating unimaginable pain, headache 24x7 all seasons! There’s no vaccine for it either... we depend & rely on daily medications/antibiotics, etc. which hardly help. All I can say is, Please be considerate. Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain syndrome but we can’t take NSAIDs or anti inflammatory drugs/painkillers because they aggravate our pain and make it worse!
It’s high time... to come down and get on your feet, get earthed, if you are floating on cloud 9 due to your inflated ego!
I would only spend on LOUNGE WEAR or Nightsuits, I’ve been doing that since the past 3 years, ever since I’ve caved in & now every store/brand out there is busy making lounge/indoor wear and everyone’s buying solely that... just like me. In fact all of us whom they’ve always alienated & ostracised, isolated.
Now they are all hiding their faces behind the masks aren’t they? I would lurch out of public places too & hide away... I was thinking of hiding my face under a mask since the past 3 years.
Now they know how it feels?