Just an Anecdote... but there’s more to the story
I was charming according to a lot of people who had seen me online as well as in real life.
I would hardly use any filters or makeup in my selfies and I’m not that photogenic either
A person needs some sort of encouragement, words of admiration, appreciation, attention, reliable, caring friends, a normal social circuit/life and not to forget -a decent amount of followers, likes and comments too... to be their best selves. We all have enormous potential to live up to.
In today’s world, it’s not unusual to seek approbation.
I was pretty nonetheless and I would only depend on myself for all the validation I needed. Moreover I had realistic expectations from people, I was always modest but I would undeniably receive a lot of compliments both online and in real life.
That guy brought down my worth, it’s been 3 years and I haven’t clicked a single selfie...
I quit watching tv in 2015 itself and since then I haven’t turned it on ‘cuz it he is a tv actor and I don’t want to see him.
I just can’t.
I didn’t deserve to be rejected that too so horribly (unequivocally but non verbally)
I was repeatedly humiliated, blocked, ostracised & ignored. I wasn’t even asking him out or adding him anywhere. He was busy sending me the wrong signals but its not like I was acting out my impulses due to that...
I’m not stupid.
I’d get a hammering headache in the right side of head every time he would block me
That’s how my ailment began...
Even a year later, his behaviour was still the same and that was appalling enough to cause me fibromyalgia
I’ve never been in such a terrible
I have caved in and I haven’t left my room since a long time, I sit in darkness every day. I don’t draw out the curtains or switch on the lights, I dodge my own shadow and reflection because I feel like a joke, a laughing stock, I feel ugly, despicable and hated...
I have an incredibly low self esteem, I’ve lost all confidence in myself. I feel hopeless, I can’t write or type anymore because other than all the emotional throes and physically agony I’m dealing with, my illness also entails a lot of symptoms that are unmanageable like itching, palpitations, sleep apnea, lethargy, migraines, memory blackout which is “fibro fog”; when I was a kid, my pediatrician would always say that I have an elephant‘s memory (cause I would excel in my studies due to my imbibing mind) it was indeed very eidetic and incisive and I wish to go back to how I was, how I’ve always been! My hand has started paralysing and I can’t write more than a page... I have always been long winded although I avoid additional padding in my articles & books but it’s just impossible to write anything now.
I’m bed ridden
He created a fake ID using his friend’s pics to approach me and get my Insta link
This friend was already engaged but he perilously created his account on tinder
I could’ve contacted his fiancé and told her about it
I don’t know how much more did he want to humiliate me
His friend was also involved, he deliberately flooded my feed with grid collage snippets and 2 repeat posts... well he wanted to grab my attention because he thought I’m not yet aware of him being friends with 501, he posted those pics to lure me to his profile where I would see his friend’s HANDSOME face and ask him about him.
One should never underestimate or trivialise it when we say “HE HATES ME for no reason at all...”
Having said that, I’ll like to share something:
He was flashing (bright, piercing) headlights of his car in my eyes, my teary eyes... I was already sobbing because I had a rough day. My mother was busy arguing with me, she was almost torturing me there at BrewBot, I didn’t even eat anything because I was being mistreated as usual, my brother too had a rancorous fight with me at home (I didn’t fight back but his snide words and behaviour were hard to ignore) and I’ve always been pushed around... I have dealt with physical and emotional abuse at home ever since I was a kid, back then it had nothing to do with my looks. I become an easy target because I have no one to defend me or take a stand for me; I’m a girl child so my parents have always been bias and to make matters worse all this has encouraged my brother to act like that and it’s not just him. Even this guy took advantage of the fact that I’m all alone and I have no friends, no one to talk me out of it or admonish him. I’m not a fake, conniving wannabe and people only want to hang out with those who share the same cheap mentality as them, especially in Mumbai. I’m born and brought up here, it is my very own domicile but now we are surrounded by filthy rich, cocky migrant brats... who make it difficult for others to survive. I was never this cynical but I’ve lost all hope in life after seeing the worst side of people.
Anyway his car was PARKED on the opposite lane of Brew Bot... I was waiting there for my car, he saw me while he was walking towards his car and then he got inside and blinded me with the headlights after we started moving. So he was sitting in his car which was parked in the the left row (non designated parking area) and he kept flashing those lights straight at me while our car was passing through that small confined lane. This happened on 29th Jan, 2016. Dude, this isn’t your tv serial, get out of that melodramatic world.
Before the book...
In 2017, he used the questionnaire on hinge (app) to mock & taunt me because I had told him something sensible... once, just once.
In 2016, he asked his friend, the one who was interested in me to block me, this again happened way before the book
His friend later liked a pic I’d shared in hinge profile which read this, “Never trust what you hear about a girl... it could come from guys who can’t have her or girls who can’t be her.”
He (501), the guy on whom I finally wrote my book... had initially asked me for my BB pin but I was reluctant about it since we’d just met and I didn’t know him.He then liked my pics religiously over a period of 4 weeks but never replied not even while liking the pics At the beginning of this year, he didn’t thank me at all for the gifts I sent on his birthday. I had put in a lot of effort to wrap those 10 items... I had invested a lot of time and energy to create all the gift tags and cards. I had started collecting everything a year prior, in October 2018, with whatever I had saved. I did that to resolve all disputes and peace out but I forgot how “ugly” I am. I might not be good enough for him but others liked me and he took that away from me too! Just because he’s always found me despicable as opposed to others (but I’m sure their opinion would change considering how I look now... it has taken a huge toll on my health and well being, my head is burning and my hands are shaking as I’m typing this because I have fever like everyday and I don’t even look the same anymore! To top it up, I almost lost 5 years of my budding youth due to him) He thinks I don’t deserve anything in this world because I’m not pretty like him! He evaluated my worth by the number of people I’ve dated and frankly I’ve never been on a proper date. I haven’t even been kissed yet. And I know it’s impossible now... with this face and body, damn.. I stand no chance for love or happiness. Even that meeting with Parth wasn’t anything like a “date to remember!” Anyway, I’m way younger than him and no one dates in my generation so it’s extremely unfair to judge someone like that. I don’t think I’ll be surviving long enough to drop another book.
I can share the plot and story if anyone wants to buy it.
An Update from my facebook post, it’s just something I’ll like to add/share here:
I had once seen a very dark, short, barely 5 feet tall (she was way shorter than me) fat (not body shaming, it’s just a common term but okay, chubby) Indian woman walking down the street in Bandra with her super tall 6’2”, lean, handsome foreigner husband and their cute little daughter who was riding on his shoulders...
Next, at Palladium everyone was busy looking at this interracial couple with their 3-4 kids, they were a beautiful synergic blend of warm olive/beige skin tone, distinct but extremely attractive features, dark lashes, coupled with contrasting light blue eyes and dirty blonde hair... the father was again a very handsome, charming foreigner & their mother was an Indian who was even darker than the one I described earlier. She wasn’t attractive enough to fit traditional age-old, misogynistic, hypocritical beauty standards but her husband was madly in love with her! Let me remind you, their pairing wasn’t impossible... but had it been an Indian man, he would’ve definitely shunned her! They should look in the mirror first, they themselves aren’t as handsome as foreigners...
Nothing’s impossible, love is blind... I have every right to post something which sounds fair like the recent extract & pic in my “Coincidences album”, it reassures my indignant soul that things are horribly wrong and that’s not how it is supposed to be... I don’t deserve to be on a salaciously murky app like whisper! I always needed friends, family, warmth, some support, encouragement, help, guidance, happiness, reassurance, a closure etc.
I don’t want to date or be with anyone. I’ve reached a weird conclusion... I might opt for an open marriage, I’ll be asexual because I’m ugly, I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life (not just his) so I’ll stay in a separate room, isolated as always (not being passive aggressive, just realistic) I will not have any physical contact not even as much as shaking hands with my future spouse and he can be with whoever he wants, we’ll just be a namesake couple. I don’t mind spending my whole life as a virgin but I don’t wanna die alone either. It’s impossible for girls to survive alone especially if they are ill, we are considered more vulnerable by all those filthy predators.
I even saw a couple on Unsplash where the brown wife had a scar on her face, she was sans makeup, as simple as she can be and her Korean husband was holding her graciously in his arms... it was very touchy. He was able to understand and accept her unlike most Indian men I know.
P.S. No one told me anything but I thought it’s best to clear up even though I’m very sick due to my fibromyalgia, I’ve got the worst flare up ever and I can’t even type!