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Important Facts

I’m not able to write anything but its imperative for me to voice this out:

Last year in the mid of July I was up until 6 am, crying and I called my mother and told her about some fortune telling App which was giving accurate answers and predictions, I wanted to tell her about the book... it all started out casually but when I realised it was getting somewhere, I asked about my life in general and then it said something about the person I loved. It revealed that he should be knowing the person who has a crush on him ie: Me, they don’t want to ruin anyone’s life and that they are “as quite as possible”, they’ll never dare to say anything ‘cuz they know you’re not interested in them... but you find them clingy (or something I don’t remember the exact words), you think they just don’t get it!

I gasped and then obviously burst into tears cuz I had already unequivocally & publicly acknowledged (online) that my feelings are one sided.

I then frantically asked how I could set things straight. There was no input field, I just verbalised the question in my head & then took his name.

It said, he’ll be receiving a written document or letter or book which will clear things up and he’ll understand everything regarding his personal/love life. It will give him a clearer perspective.

I then told my mother that we’ll give him the book but then I was afraid he would take it in the wrong sense, he’d think I’m trying to send across some tit for tat “rejoinder” in the form of my lyrical poems/writings because he didn’t thank me for the previous gifts or acted coldly, so I thought I’ll send his birthday gift along to balance it out.

While I was putting it together, my mother said you’ll be sending gifts every year and I’m not gonna go there again, it’s embarrassing (she was almost behaving as if it’s a shameful act, Indian mentality I tell you, especially if people force you to air your laundry in the public -unrequited love is a stigma) anyway I said we’ll ask the driver to do that and I also added, “Don’t I have a personal life? I hope I’m with my fiancé/future husband/bf by 2021 and I’m pretty sure he won’t be comfortable with me sending gifts to some other guy... Am I Santa Clause to send him gifts every year? Girls receive gifts, they don’t send them... it’s already humiliating enough according to my ol’ school (Bollywood) sensibilities (where I’ve been taught that pretty girls are worshipped like anything) I concluded with, “I will be looking forward to my own life and future after this.”

She brought up the same topic and repeated the same thing all over again inspite of me saying that and I replied with the same answer but guess what?

When his parents repeatedly said, “We dont want to talk to your daughter, we don’t want to be in contact with her” without even bothering to hear the other side of the story, she asked me on call “Should I tell them this is the last time you’re sending something? And you won’t be bothering him again?”

They creep-zone Girls in India by saying we are forcing guys to “talk” to us. I’m not overreacting or exaggerating but if someone’s pretty and they do a kind gesture for you or send something be it a note or gifts or anything at all, they are called a “secret admirer” but the ugly ones are deemed as “stalkers” even if they don’t stalk... if an attractive person is trying to “win your heart” it’s called “pursuing” and their efforts are appreciated but if an ugly person secretly harbours feelings for you and wishes to meet you somewhere in another life when they are pretty enough, when they try to clear the air because they don’t want to be hated or shunned, they are told not to “chase” someone who was never meant for them (by everyone, every person feels like they’ve got the right to put you down and insensitively humiliate you because someone has already decimated your worth... and then they say it cannot be dictated by anyone else, well he did and people encouraged him, no one sees anything else, all people know is I’m a “Reject” that too I was rejected horribly by someone who himself came to me, asked for my BB pin, liked my photos etc.) I have never been to his house, I haven’t seen him since 2016... I wasn’t even sure if he’d received the previous gifts cuz there was no sign of acknowledgement or gratitude from his end and I still never bothered to contact him or verify that. I was trying to make up for the book cuz I felt guilty, it felt like I had no right to take a stand for myself because I was clearly at fault by being ugly or “not good enough.” I was told several times, “You know he doesn love you, right?”

“He doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t have any feelings for you, you can’t force him to care, you can’t force him by sitting on his neck.”

What makes them think I was doing all this to talk to him, I had to send the book specifically because I wasn’t “supposed” to do that as in text him and make things clear...!!

What would I want to even talk about? Is there anything left to say? I’m not pissed, I just don’t think I have a right to talk to anyone or waste people’s time considering how ugly I have become (due to all the heartbreaks and my fragile health)

I don’t have any friends, they were all hostile towards me, so were their parents and family members, I’ve been shunned before, it’s either jealousy or something else, always. Either I’m not easily dominated or I don’t fawn over people like sidekicks or I dont give in (to guys), at times its pure envy, if someone has nice inexpensive things, a better taste or some potential it just rubs people in the wrong way and they say the most offending things ever. Someone slammed the door in my face when I was 16 because he thought I ratted out his “lil secret”, I was friends with his sister not him and I would never do that... he wasn’t ready to speak about anything either, he just conveniently asked everyone to boycott me and took as much revenge as he could, he ruined my entire adolescence... and made me a loner. I missed out on my precious teenage years, now I have fibromyalgia because of my mother & the guy I love (I’m sorry but it’s true) everyone and everything resurfaced all the humiliation that I had faced as a kid... I was abused physically and emotionally at home (during my childhood and it never stopped), even after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and this was beyond apathetic! All I wanna ask is why me? Why is everyone always hostile towards me? Do they take advantage of the fact that I have no one to support me & admonish them?

I wouldn’t have actually shared the above links had they not been relevant... It just sums up everything.

I have no hard feelings, I’m just unwell, indignant & indisposed that’s all... I thought it would be better if I clear up why I wanted to send the book. He doesn’t have to feel intimidated by me... that whole creep zone thing has been bothering me a lot since 2016 and I swear I would never let this repeat again, I’ll never fall in love or even talk to anyone. I don’t, anyone can check my whataspp, messenger, insta dm, Snapchat all the other apps as well... whenever I download some horoscope app (they usually generalise everyone so I’m not much into that) I make it a point to mention my relationship status as either one-sided or “not looking” even when no one’s looking, my phone is in my hands all the time... I don’t even dare to hope or dream about anything or think of anything positive, I was afraid people would say I don’t have any right to be in love with someone like him and they did that 😢

my whole head and body is feeling numb and stiff, I’ll just sign off

Zara Sauleh


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