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How I met my doom

I would barely receive likes on fb & insta since I’ve always been alone n I’ve never had any friends so it felt great when he liked my pics... his constant attention gave me a lot of confidence and it encouraged me to be my best self.

On the contrary he was also being very unclear & ambivalent; I dont know what was wrong with him but his perplexing behaviour was putting me off...!

Day after day, I would check if I was still in his list or if I had entered the “black list.” I was okay with us not talking but I didn’t want him to hate or detest me. I have seen the worst side of people and I’ve been bullied, pushed around, abandoned & abused (both emotionally n physically). I just didn’t want him to hate me like everyone else. I wanted us to be in ‘talking terms’ even if we were not chatting anymore. I mean who would want to be dismissed or boycotted? Forever... That too by someone they like/love, respect? Anyway, I never wanted to meet him, I still don’t cause I’ve understood how stupid & dangerous it is to be “confident”... the entire issue has been extremely insidious and detrimental to my face and health, both emotional and physical. I have been thrashed thrice (physically abused) even after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and that has obviously wounded my soul & left a deep impact on my mind. I am dealing with everything all alone and life has been tremendously unfair. They say, “A well fed will never understand the lean” and unfortunately it’s true, people don’t really empathise if they’re not compassionate enough; but keeping that in mind and being as realistic as possible... I thought I’ll be there as a friend (on Tinder) if he needed one ‘cause I never expected guys like him to date me (I’m not rich or popular) and I was looking for someone similar ie: a lonely loser... who would understand me. I had swiped his profile only because it was a familiar face & I wanted to see how it worked, he was the second suggestion in my card pile and I was being given a demo. He was “familiar” because I’d already met him in 2013 (even back then we had a trifling argument).

Our exact conversation on tinder (after swiping each other right) is in the book. Another reason was my skepticism... I was anxious about logging in from fb as I wasn’t aware of the kind of crowd I’d be coming across but when I saw him I thought it must be safe... ironically, I know. Since I sort of knew him, I was like if he has done that (logged in using fb) then it must be cool.


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