Just a few days prior to the whole gifting fiasco (end of Feb) I had a near death experience... I collapsed & unfortunately no one was home. I was trembling, my hands, legs, arms, feet, face, palms, nose, mouth, head everything were ice-cold and numb. My blood pressure had also significantly dropped, I lost every sensation in the body, I was motionless, I felt still and paralysed, lifeless. I’ve had a few episodes of partial paralysis earlier too but all that was due to anxiety... I can’t handle stressful situations or lame, offensive or trifling arguments anymore. Both the times, it was my right arm which had paralysed... but I tried to be as calm as possible, I kept reminding myself that paralysis is 40% physical & 60% mind/psychological; so if I keep believing that I’ll never be able to write again then I won’t. I’ll stand no chance... you have to retain your autonomy, the positive thinking encouraged my motor neutrons and I was fine after a while. But this time, in the recent case... nothing was helping, I was feeling faint, restless & also breathless. I didn’t have anything contentious arguments which could trigger that episode, I just had high fever which I think might’ve led to that. I was very depressed & I had Baskin Robbins cake slices/cassatas for 4-5 days straight, they had started sending solid, frozen slices & maybe it was that which gave me the sore throat and fever. I was shaken up, my nose, lips heart, head they all felt numb. I couldn’t talk, I could feel my insides turning cold too. We called the doctor but she couldn’t evaluate or fathom anything so I insisted on calling another one but my mother wasn’t very keen on doing that. She reluctantly & very rudely said, “Is this what we’re going to do the whole day? Keep calling doctors?” I felt terrible, I don’t feel like staying here but I have nowhere to go. I don’t have anyone in this world. Back then I wasn’t worrying about dying a “Lip virgin” (as they call me) it didn’t even occur to me, all I was thinking about was his gifts. This might sound corny but my mind was entirely consumed by that and I knew they had to reach him anyhow. I verbally shared his address with my mother and divulged about my secret diary where she could find all the necessary details. I wanted her to send those gifts of anything happened to me... as it was my last wish.
We found another doctor who prescribed a few meds but that feeling persisted, my condition remained the same for days.
Next day someone started smoking in the house inspite of being aware of the fact that I was already unwell and that I had a temperature + a sore throat. I wanted to get well ASAP due to the ongoing coronavirus risk... but the smoking immediately triggered a fibromyalgia flare up. I started palpitating, my eyes were burning, I almost felt like choking... I was helpless because I knew I couldn’t complain about it, the last time I did, when I asked someone to cover their mouth while coughing (cause I can’t even imagine contracting a normal flu, it worsens my condition by aggravating fibromyalgia) I was tormented by my own family members. They made sure I regret it and I ended up crying haplessly... after having my voice & a mere polite suggestion being disregarded. It’s like I was immediately disdained and although I hate saying this, my mother revealed her uglier side which was like a harsh reality check, this is what girls usually go through in India no matter how “progressive” their household is. It only applies to guys spending the night away... that’s modern right? I had recently shared this: What is progressive, modern love?
It’s about depth, getting below the surface and breaking down superficial barriers.
It’s a fact.
After I received that retaliation twice I stopped voicing out due to fear, embarrassment & shame. Coming to the smoking scenario what followed was more tragic. Everything in the house was vandalised and shattered that day. I was abused relentlessly but I can’t share all the details here... they’d kill me if I do. They called the police and said, “Let them teach her a lesson” & “She has become only 30 Kgs, she is gonna die anyway!” I know it sounds unreal but I’ve been hearing such things since 2017, I’ve been told that I don’t have any friends, I can’t go out, I’m bed ridden... stuck, stalled, a fucking ugly loser, I’ll keep waiting for my “Prince Charming” outside the Irish house forever (based on a Tinderella Story in my book) I’m so ugly that no one would even rape me and if someone will see me while having their food, they’ll throw up!
I was constantly hiding in my room that day, starving (I had no choice, they wouldn’t let me eat) I had my antibiotics on an empty stomach but they didn’t let me sleep either, the whole drama ran till morning. Even the police was busy taking advantage of all this... they lodged a fake complaint against me and I was being cross questioned, derided by everyone including the woman sitting at the control room. She was trying to get the better of me by being as sly, conniving and sardonic as possible. This is bound to happen if they hire a snide, uneducated uncouth. My health deteriorated...
After that 501 happened.
I have been thrashed ruthlessly even after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I weigh as low as 30 kgs now... the other day someone said, “Ek hi phatke mein saari jaan nikal jaani chahiye.” There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t cried. My mother literally mocks & winces at me. Every outing has been very traumatic, since childhood. I kept enduring everything hoping someday I’ll be somewhere else, breathing in peace and solace... I thought things would change.
I kept reminding myself “Time heals all wounds.”
To be continued...
Rude, rigid, narcissistic, extreme, insensitive, callous, hostile, insolent... they’ve all been like that. Why? ‘Cuz it’s fun to target loners, no one’s watching, no one’s gonna take a stand for them, no one will admonish these people for their sadism.
I’ve had hysteric episodes each and everyday of my life... as a kid I would get beaten up & I would spend my days crying on the stairs and empty lifts (outside) all tht took a toll on my health, face, appearance etc. Nothing ever stopped.
So someone reminded me of all these incidents by bringing up a very sensitive subject... she knew everything that I’ve been thru but was to say dude. #venting When I was about 2 & a half or 3 years old, me and family were invited to my grandfather’s newly renovated house, my bro was a toddler back then (so was I) we were very excited to look outside the window so my mother lifted him in her arms and she was busy showing him the view, I kept saying it’s my turn but she’s always been bias, she deliberately gave me a deaf ear & ignored me as much as possible. I then decided to be self-reliant and I went a few steps back to get a clearer, bigger view on my own... I was obviously very little & i couldn’t see anything more than window sill and wall, I saw it was working so I kept going back until I couldn’t feel the floor beneath my feet and before I could realise I was tumbling down the spiral stairs... after that I passed out. She would blame me for everything, superficially, for things that were not even remotely connected to me. Once my bro wasn’t able to memories his lessons so she blamed me by saying “Iska Saaya hi manhoos hai.” I felt humiliated & lonely, I was only 10. I didn’t deserve that and none of us deserve to be judged by our family.
This is not solely about 501 (the guy I Love) In 2016, Someone had said, “Your threshold was crossed long ago... its been very unfair. Our human minds cannot handle so much pressure.
I had dealt with so much vileness, hostility and hate that by the age of 18 (when I first met him cashmerecult.com/post/notfunnybro
I was done with fights & heated, contentious arguments... my hands were literally trembling when I blocked him, now they don’t tremble, they paralyse. Initially whenever I’d think of something stressful like him (insensitively & insolently) blocking and mistreating me to be precise... I would get a hammering pain in my head. This was how fibromyalgia started for me, it was triggered by emotional trauma in my case. All those heartbreaks eventually led to more emotional & physical throes. They were very destabilising and I was natural for me to have a breakdown. Now I literally faint, anything like that dismantles me and my blood pressure goes down.
I didn’t have a single pic of him to give our driver for identification...